Communication is the glue that holds a relationship, a team, a society, together. Without good communication there is a breakdown in the system, and before you know it the system comes apart at the seams.
When is comes to women, we tend to learn our communication style very early on, as do boys, but how we communicate is often different. Girls release more Seratonin and Oxytocin growing up. This tends to allow for a calmer demeanor and create a greater interest in emotional connection. Girls also tend to play with other girls, in small groups or one on one…they share their feelings, they want everyone to feel equal, there is no heirarchy structure, in fact they typically do all they can to ensure no one is “above, or in control” of anyone else.
We have all experienced how if a girl is outspoken or assertive, she is very quickly labelled pushy or mean, when in fact she is simply communicating in a manner that is perhaps more typical of men, and in a manner that makes other women feel uncomfortable. What we see on the playground is the Assertive girl is labelled and pushed out of the herd….she is dangerous to the status quo.
Let me share an experience I just had….it was on a fb group of professional mommas. As I am certain we are all aware, people have a tendency to post about the things that are not going well in their life. I, being the outspoken gal on the playground, often feels compelled to respond, in my typically honest, upfront fashion. And let’s just say, I am quickly pushed out of the herd!! Ah, some things never change!
As I was scrolling, I came to a post about something a client said to this particular Mom and veterinarian. Apparently, the client made the comment, “Is the male doctor not in today?” This was upsetting to , let’s call her Amber, because she felt it was a sexist comment. My response was fairly to the point. I responded with “So what? I have had the same question asked with regards to the female Doctor. IE: Is the female doctor out of the office today”. And then finished with basically what is the big deal?
Apparently this was considered rude and offensive. My comment was then replied to by the author of the post with a “If you found my post offensive, you could just scroll past. Why did you feel the need to be rude?” I went on to explain that I did not find the post offensive, my intent was to hear that particular comment and have a “so what” attitude about it. Rather than creating a story around what the client meant and getting all worked up about it. Well, that wasn’t acceptible, and if I didn’t have something supportive to say, I should not have said anything.
The conversation went on a little more, with me indicating my response had not been intended to validate but to rather challenge her to look at the situation a little differently. Again, that was not acceptible. I wished her a happy day, and moved on. Fast forward several hours and I am being contacted by the administrator of the group. Her concern was my comments were inflammatory and that this is a group where everyone is there to show support. My comments, with regards to this particular post especially, were intentionally inflammatory and had upset several people. And I needed to be more compassionate and kind in the future.
Now, I cannot say I am surprised I recieved a message, but it was in fact disappointing. Why? Because this is not summer camp for 12 year olds, this is a social platform where adults come to express opinions, give ideas on surgeries or medicine cases, discuss issues in life where people are struggling. And, Apparently, a place where you may only comment if you are validating someone….because if you just happen to have something to say that might actually make someone uncomfortable, well that just isn’t to be tolerated.
What disturbs me most about this if my comments were well meant….however, since I did not wrap it up with gushes of how insulted she should be, and god men are such assholes, what I had to contribute was “unkind and inflammatory.” It stuns me that in this day and time, we still cannot have a conversation with differing opinions without being labelled as lacking compassion.
We currently reside in one of the most equal societies in history. Women are professionals in all areas of business. Women can walk down the street with little fear of harm, they can speak out and speak up, hell….they can vote!! And yet, some things are very slow to change. Because in many ways, some things are very deep rooted, at the DNA level almost. And what women say they want for their daughters and other women, and what they actually accept, are very different.
Now understand, I am not saying all women behave this way…but it is a common and prevelant thread. And my challenge (OOPS, there I go again) to all of the women reading this is….are you guilty?
We have a large percentage of women who believe females have been kept down….by men, by society, by life in general. And to be fair, for most of history with respects to certain freedoms and expectations, they are not wrong. They feel girls are raised to rarely speak up, raised to always apologize (even when there is nothing to apologize for) and to be sweet and caring and always put others before themselves. Girls are often not encouraged to be leaders, but rather to sit back and follow. They are asked to cheer others on but not seek glory of her own….and again, they are not wrong!
In response, there has been a huge movement to empower girls and women. To allow them their voices and to encourage them to speak up for what they want and what they don’t want. We are telling girls they can do anything a man can do. We are teaching girls they don’t need to apologize for every tiny thing, that they have nothing to be sorry for. And Yet…..in spite of all the marches and the speeches…..9 times out of 10 when a woman does just that….she is immediately shut down and labelled…mean, unkind, lacking compassion, arrogant, having attitude…etc.
And who is shutting them down? Who is showing them that in fact they are not allowed to do the very things we are saying we want for our girls? Is it men? No, actually it isn’t. Most of the time it is other women. Rather than being open to a differing opinion, honest words, a more blunt communication style, women become uncomfortable, defensive, angry, hurt, sad, feel attacked…..add in your own descriptor. In other words, we like to say we want these “freedoms” for our girls, when in fact to often we just want to say we want them, but then behave like the little girls on the playground who feel no other woman should ever make another woman “uncomfortable.”
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